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Phones at the table
Dear Jenz, [Can you] talk to my dad about putting phones away? When I eat dinner at his house he makes us put phones in a pile in the other room!
-from JR on Twitter
Dear J,
You are not alone. It is not always possible to coax non-mobos into allowing phones at the table. This is especially true of parents. In their shoes, you can understand. They want to have a lively discussion with you and (as unreasonable as it sounds) want your unwavering attention. Family meals are the one time they feel they can impose their rules.
And they are (loosely speaking) correct. If it’s “under their roof,” what can you do, right? On the other hand, they want you to come back and want the dinner to be enjoyable. So, they can be persuaded into some sort of compromise.
My advise is to set your sites on the gradual re-education of your parent. The key is to introduce the device at the table for a very specific topic and only for a short time. To start. I suggest waiting until that nether land of post-dinner conversations. Wait until your dad is in a good mood. Then engage your father in a topic close to his heart, for example, saving the Euro.
Begin with a very simple: “Dad, I wanted your opinion. I know how much you favor a stronger central bank to shore up the Euro. It seems that [insert Dad’s hero here] has something very interesting to say. In fact, I brought a quote that I think you might like.”
The hook is set.
At this point, politely excuse yourself, get your phone and scroll to the quote (which you conveniently have bookmarked). If your dad objects, just say that it is very quick. Start reading the quote while you are standing a bit closer to your dad. Then take your seat at the table and await his reply.
Next, have a follow up quote or passage. Maybe one that contradicts your dad’s hero.
Before he knows it, he has allowed the device at the table and may find actual facts to inform post-dinner conversations. This is one of the best reasons to have a device at the table. You can cut through arguments by going to the source. If your dad is a reasonable person, which no doubt he is, he’ll see the light.
But don’t push it the first time out.
Right after this baptism, put your phone away (in a pocket) to respect your dad’s rules. But you’ve broken the ice and you should be able to make inroads at future dinners. Find another topic; prepare several quotes or excerpts.
When the time is right, bring the phone with you and keep it in a pocket.
This gradual approach works wonders and avoids confrontation.
Being a staunch traditionalist, my view is that phones have no place at the dinner table. This view extends to all hand-held devices. The art of communicating effectively using the spoken word is becoming a lost art. The idea of having a civil discussion free of the necessity to check facts is no less important today than it has ever been. One doesn’t carry reference books to the dining table, and there is good reason for this. Matters of this level of gravity should be discussed away from the dinner table. Social intercourse should be free of great controversy, which upsets digestion. Perhaps the notion of carrying on a more in depth conversation after dinner would be a good idea. Hone your conversational skills; don’t rely on cell phones to do your talking for you!
I think it’s ok to have your phone at the table. It’s just like keeping the phone on the hook when you eat. Some people jump up every time it rings. Just because it’s close by, doesn’t mean you are using it non-stop
Listen, etiquetteguy is right. What’s the big deal? So, you can’t bring your phone. Is that going to kill you. And what’s missing today anyway is good conversation, you know, eye-2-eye. I have a phone. I keep it in my pocket, but it’s on silent. But if I am asked to leave it behind. No big deal.